23

Feathers And Loathing In Bermuda.

The pigeons watched and waited. Christy came back from her swim and the slight chill in the evening breeze made her nipples stand proud beneath the thin covering of cotton-lycra. Sage was still transfixed on the veranda. He had not moved for over an hour. The orange juice in the glass in his hand, once bobbing with ice cubes, was now body temperature. Christy swept past him and into the house. After she had gone Sage buried his face in his hands and started to sob. A couple of minutes passed and Dredly appeared. He spoke to Sage, his tone hushed. Bernice strained to hear by couldn't make anything out. Dredly helped Sage up and walked him around the lawn.
"Breathe... Breathe..." Dredly's tone was even.
"Yeah... Okay, I'm okay now..." Sage sounded dazed. They walked out of earshot of the birds and stood looking out to sea, then wandered back towards the trees in silence. Teddy and Bernice nestled themselves deeper into the foliage. If they were seen...

The minutes passed and then Christy came out of the house. She looked radiant in a white Chanel body with a wrap-around silk skirt that fell to her well-turned ankles, although her First World War flying helmet did look somewhat incongruous. Sage groaned audibly.
"Come on, none of that!" Dredly urged and then they joined her by the veranda. They spoke for a while - probably deciding where to eat - and then headed for the drive. The soft purr of the Mercedes starting in the distance came to them on the wings of the soft night breeze. Teddy emerged from the branches, looked around and then took off with a clatter. He wheeled around the buildings and returned. They had gone. The coast was clear.

They waited until dusk had dulled the colourful scene with its grey wash and then left their shadowy hiding place. Judging the angle, the distance and the speed and direction of the wind to perfection, they swooped down to the deserted veranda without even needing to flap their wings. The door was locked, but it wasn't a problem. They had sprung the lock on their aviary many times when they had been in captivity, and after thirty seconds of probing the door of the cottage was open and they were in. The place was basic - a main living space with doors to the two bedrooms, bathroom and small kitchen. There were two sofas in the sitting room with a low coffee table between. A painting of the cottage hung on the wall opposite the front door. Were these guys pros? Would they check behind it? Bernice flapped up to take a look. There was a thick film of dust across the top of the frame, indicating that the inhabitants hadn't disturbed it. Bernice smiled. Their quarry probably thought they were safe and hadn't looked for bugs. It was perfect. While Teddy strutted off to place devices in the other rooms, she set to work installing a bug behind the picture.

She had done that sort of work before, but didn't like it. She and her mate were tailor made for surveillance, but housebreaking and bug planting were more dangerous. People never thought twice about a pigeon in a tree or on their roof, but in their living room rooting around behind a painting? That was one you couldn't explain away. Their motive could only be suspect. As soon as she had fitted the bug she cooed to Teddy. She wanted to check the levels and get out quickly. Tense moments passed and then Teddy returned to test the sound. All fine. They walked to the door, turned and surveyed the room - had they left everything as it had been? A tell-tale feather or tuft of down and their cover would be blown. It was clear. They slipped out and locked the door behind them. It was dark now and as they stood for a second on the veranda they caught the scent of pines, rough grass, sea and palm that is the essence of Bermuda. It was a perfect evening with the light, cooling breeze whispering in the tree tops. But Bernice had a feeling - was there something else?

Suddenly a cat pounced from behind a bush to the left of the porch. Its claws and teeth were bared - this would be an easy kill, a nice supplement to tinned food. It had arrived after they had gained entry to the house, hadn't seen the ease of their entrance, didn't realise that these were professionals. Teddy's reaction was lightning, his cosh appearing magically from under his wing. The cat's eyes widened. What the hell? Take evasive action! But in mid-air? There was a sickening crack as the hard wood smashed the bared fangs. The cat sprawled gracelessly, tumbling across the wooden floor with a muffled 'whump'. It had hardly moved when Bernice was upon it, pummelling the cat's vulnerable spine. The cat squealed, tried to scramble away, but Teddy was there. He laid into the cat again, putting his full force into a vicious blow to the tabby's temple. Then it was in the corner and they were moving in. Its head was spinning. These doves were hawks! It tried to swipe at them, but they lashed out as one. There was a loud snap and the cat slumped to the floor, its front leg broken just above the paw. The animal was out cold. Its sneak attack had been turned into ignominious defeat. Yes, the cat had been put among the pigeons, but the pigeons had carried the day.

Bernice raised her cosh once more. She would finish it.
Teddy stayed her wing. To kill it would be a mistake. Far better to drag it to the side of the road. It would be seen as a sad accident and that would be the end of it. The cat would recover in time, but they would be long gone before it could implicate them. It would carry with it the memory of that evening, however, and it would warn its feline friends not to mess with pigeons. It took some effort to get the cat to the side of the road, and the birds had to clear the veranda of the chipped teeth and blood spatters, but when they had finished no-one would have been able to tell that a battle had been fought. They flew up to their vantage point in the tree and waited. At about eleven the three people returned. Christy and Dredly were in high spirits, while Sage seemed strangely reticent. The birds put on their headphones and listened in.

Soon the people were knocking about the cottage getting ready for bed. Utilitarian chit-chat ensued - Dredly was looking for his shades; Christy was offering to make coffee, Sage declining; Dredly wondering whether the Greatest Happiness Principle really could form the basis for a workable system of ethics... Someone slumped heavily into the sofa. There was a lull. Drawers opening and closing in one of the bedrooms. Bernice looked to Teddy. He shook his head, dismissing her fear that the bugs might be found. The toilet flushed. A door opened and closed.
"Night, guys. See you in the am." It was Christy. The men replied in kind, then another door closed. Christy was getting into bed. A light flicked off, then there was the sound of one of the men walking from the kitchen to the sitting room. Sofa cushions puffed under sudden strain. A hushed voice:
"Well?"
"Well??"
"Well are you going to tell me about it?" It was Dredly inquiring.
"Oh mate!" Sage sighed heavily, then whispered, "This is driving me nuts!"
"What?"
"Her!"
"Oh..."
"Why did she have to choose Christy Turlington?" Sage was annoyed. Teddy gave Bernice a confused glance - choose Christy Turlington?
"How was she to know that you're totally crazy about her?"
"She wasn't, but it's still a very saucy disguise! I mean any normal man's gonna get lead in his pencil with Christy Turlington flouncing around the house semi-naked."
"Yes..." Dredly sounded as though he had just been given more information than he actually wanted.
"She could have come as anyone - Whoopi Goldberg, Princess Anne, Vanessa Feltz..."
"No! You wouldn't want any of them wobbling around here in just a bikini... Jesus! Princess Anne in a thong!"
There was a sudden and impenetrable silence. Sage and Dredly were thinking that unthinkable thought. In the tree the pigeons in headphones also stared blankly, poleaxed by the horror of it. Teddy cursed that eavesdropping hell! Finally Dredly spoke:
"But it's only for a couple of weeks. Surely you'll be okay for a couple of weeks?"
"No. It's the end of day one and I already want to shag her senseless."
"But she's a polar bear!" Dredly exclaimed.
"So what? She looks like Christy Turlington and that's what matters."
"It would be unnatural, not to mention illegal..."
"But just imagine it! Making love to Christy when she's got the strength of a bear!"
"Listen to yourself! What you're proposing is against Reason and against Nature... And anyway I've tried chatting her up... She's not interested in men."
"What?" Sage gasped.
"I made a move on the plane while you were asleep."
"You bastard! You knew my feelings for her!"
"Hey, I'm a fan of Christy, too." Dredly countered.
"Yeah, but maybe she just doesn't like you and was letting you down gently with that stuff about not liking men."
"No, she's in love with another polar bear called Jan from Axel Heiberg Island."
"I still think I'm in with a chance." Sage insisted.
"Listen to me, he's nine feet tall and would rip your head off without thinking twice. Give it up."
"So I guess that's it, then." Sage was resigned. "I'll have to bury my urges... And secretly ogle her for the next two weeks anyway."
"That's my plan!" Dredly agreed, and then the conversation turned to the more mundane. Up in the tree, Teddy took off his headphones. They had learnt all they needed. The bear was a shape-shifter. Number 1 would be very interested in that.

"Well that is interesting!" Said Number 1 when the pigeons reported in. He'd never heard of shape-changing polar bears. It probably wouldn't be a problem. "And they said that they were staying there for two weeks?... Right, well if the mountain won't come to Mohammed... I'll tell you what, you keep track of them. Don't let them out of your sight... I'll send some of the boys over to fetch them." And with that he signed off.

Boys? Is Number 1 really so nasty that he's got a Scout Troop at his disposal? And can Sage and Dredly really bury their urges for Christy, or will the next chapter end up in some nightmarish ursine orgy?

Find out in the next Bermuda shorts wearing chapter...