31

"Now That's What I Call Evil!"

The door closed with a disconcerting permanence behind Sage and Dredly. They were in a fairly big room - 20 feet by 20 - but it was thoroughly different from anything else in the place. It was like a magician's cave, with black painted walls, floor and ceiling spangled with gold stars and mystical squiggles, while low-level lighting added a suitably crypt-like effect. The Fabulous Fernando and Pauline were standing in the centre of the room, flanked by various pieces of magician's apparatus.
"So glad you could join us." The welcome in Fernando's voice was as fake as the diamonds in Pauline's tiara.
"You have led us a merry dance, but now I'm afraid it's time for the last waltz."
"But I can't dance!" Sage exclaimed. What new cruelty was this? Wasn't it enough that they were going to die? Did they really have to perform a soft shoe routine first?
"I didn't mean literally!"
"Oh thank goodness for that. Thought we were in trouble, there." Sage was relieved.
"We find it's best to put your hand up before speaking metaphorically. Saves a lot of confusion." Dredly added.
"Shut up!" Fernando couldn't believe his ears, but then neither could anyone else - that was why he'd been bullied at school.
"I merely meant that it is time for you to meet your doom. Now come over here." Fernando beckoned. Pauline pointed to each of the pieces of apparatus as if they were top prizes on a gameshow. On a low table there was one of those boxes for the 'sawing a person in half' trick. A few feet away, and standing upright, was another person-sized box. It was the kind used for the 'sticking swords through people' trick. The third item was a six foot, glass panelled tank of water. On the floor next to it was a length of chain and a straightjacket. Dredly didn't like the look of it - it reeked of danger.
"Well, you coming or what?" Fernando demanded.
"Er... 'Not', actually. I don't think you're going to do anything nice to us." Dredly replied.
"Do you defy me?" Fernando reddened.
"Er... Yes, sorry..."
"Pauline!"
That was the only command she needed and she immediately closed in on the men. Sage and Dredly, still carrying the unconscious guard, backed away. Dredly held up a hand:
"Now madam I must warn you that although it's against my nature to hit women, I do make exceptions for psychotic magician's assistants."
Fernando laughed. "You gentlemen - and polar bear - will take part in my magic act, or..."
"Or what?" Sage butted in defiantly.
"Or Pauline will be forced to get nasty."
"Dredly, we can overpower her - she's just a girl."
"Oh she's much more than that. You know, your Arctic animal accomplice isn't the only person who can shape-shift around here. Do it, Pauline!"

Pauline stopped in her tracks and to their horror she started to change. How were Sage and Dredly to know that Pauline carried with her a terrible secret? They were not to know that when she'd been a teenager, long before she'd met Fernando, she had gone for a rambling holiday in Transylvania; that one night, despite the warnings of the local peasants, she had strayed from the main road and that there, in the moonlit forest, she had been attacked by a rabid nun; that now on every full moon she turned into a sandal-loving, guitar-strumming... Werenun; and that she was, quite literally, a creature of habit. The men stood transfixed as her stilettos burst to reveal monstrous paws, as her black satin basque turned to hessian and her tiara metamorphosed into a wimple. She drew her ukulele. They recoiled in terror. Then she started to play and panic gripped them.
"Cum-by-yar, me Lord..."
"No, stop! Please! Stop!" Sage cried and they fell to their knees begging for mercy.

The man seated in the plastic chair by the control desk didn't even notice Greta enter. She was half-way across the room when he turned.
"Who are you?" The question was harsh.
Greta faltered, looked down at the name badge on her jacket and tried to read it upside down
"Mick Sivad..."
"I think you'll find that's Nick Davis." The man regarded her carefully. His hand started to move towards the phone on the desk. "What you doing down here? You don't have Section C clearance."
"I got confused... It's the hat..." She stammered.
"I'll call the medical corps..."
Suddenly the man was across the room and in an unconscious heap. Greta praised herself - it was a right hook Rocky Marciano would have been proud of. She looked at the mass of lights and buttons on the console - which controlled the generator? She didn't have time to study the three hundred page manual on the table, so she decided to just smash everything up. After three minutes of frenzy, the console was a shambles of fractured plastic and sparking wires. The lights flickered, then winked out. She'd done it! A few seconds passed and then a red auxiliary light came on, bathing the room in an eerie glow, which played havoc with her depth perception. However, the hum of the generator had stopped. Her mission was accomplished. Now all she had to do was wait for the good people of Billings to notice the fortress in their midst and do something about it.

"You'll never get away with this, you know." Dredly was trying to sound defiant despite the fact that he had been locked into the box on the table. After being assailed by the werenun, he and Sage had done exactly what Fernando wanted. Dredly looked across to where Sage was locked in the upright box. His head and one of his hands were sticking out of holes in the front and he looked mighty depressed. Meanwhile, Fernando and Pauline were putting the hapless guard into a straightjacket. They had ignored Dredly's remark.

"I said..."
"I know what you said." Fernando interrupted, "I merely felt it was too clichéd to elicit a response."
"Well excuse me for trying to stay hopeful in a sticky situation!" If there was one thing Dredly hated, it was smart-alec super-villains. Suddenly the lights went out, then a moment later the room was red.
"What was that?" Asked Pauline, who had transformed back into a magician's assistant.
"Maybe there's a problem with the generator... Probably nothing serious..." Fernando paused, left the man in the straightjacket and flicked an intercom switch on the wall. "Number 2?"
"Ja mein Fuhrer... I mean, yes, Number 1?" The voice crackled with static.
"Go and find out what's wrong with the generator and report back to me." There was a note of concern in the high, reedy voice.
Dredly smiled from the confines of his wooden box. Greta had done it. Now they had Fernando on the run!
"Well, that's the preliminaries taken care of. Now it's time to kill you." Said Fernando cheerily. Maybe 'on the run' hadn't been quite accurate, but Dredly was pretty sure they had the man on the amble.
"But you can't kill us!" Said Sage.
"Why not? It's my house, I can do whatever I like." Fernando was opening a drawer in the wall, pulling out some vicious looking swords and a large saw.
"I thought you needed our signatures."
"That was when I wanted to ruin your lives with a flourish. Now I just want to get it over with. I've got a top forger - he'll sign your wills for you."
"Our wills?" Sage didn't like the turn the conversation had taken.
"Yes, you've both been very generous - left all your wealth to me. So very unexpected... Though not quite as unexpected as your sad deaths. Who could have foreseen that such a harmless party trick would go so disastrously wrong?"
"You're going to puncture him full of holes, drown her and chop me in half and claim it's an accident?" Dredly was surprised by the brazen front of the man.
"Yes, and it's the kind of thing that can happen in any household at any time, but until the Federal Government bans the possession of magic act props, this kind of thing is bound to happen. There might even be a Jerry Springer special on it. You'll be famous."

Could this sticky situation be about to get a lot stickier, not to mention messier? Or will Fernando be thwarted by a meddling polar bear? Or will he suddenly have a change of heart, renounce evil and start handing out flowers?

Find out in the next action-packed chapter...